


Recordings from the Grave

by Alexei2020



Series: Oneshot collection [16]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Misunderstandings, SFHolidayExchange20, Tumblr: starkerfestivals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:06:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28429752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexei2020/pseuds/Alexei2020
Summary: Prompt: Peter has disappeared. During his five year absence, Tony recorded a series of journals. He addresses them to Peter. As the years pass, Tony becomes more and more honest with his true feelings. After Tony’s Death, Happy - not knowing what’s in the recordings, gives them to Peter who listens to the tapes. Probably won’t be smutty, just longing and loss. Emotion porn.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Johnny Storm, Peter Parker/Tony Stark
Series: Oneshot collection [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877071
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19
Collections: Starker Festivals Holiday Exchange 2020





	Recordings from the Grave

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SpiritLamp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiritLamp/gifts).



> I hope you like it, even if it wasn't exactly what you had in mind.

"Pete!" Peter whips his head up from where he's hunched over his desk. It's not unusual for Johnny to scream at him for whatever reason, but there's an urgency there that's usually missing when he's about to yell about the empty conditioner. 

He stumbles into the small kitchen and almost faceplants the floor with the abrupt stop when he sees who's standing in front of his best friend, arms crossed and eyebrow raised, while Johnny is leaning so far back on his chair he's on the brink of tipping back any second.

"Dr. Strange" he breathes, and scrambles his brain for some kind of logical explanation for why this man, who Peter last saw five years ago, fading away on a foreign planet, is standing in his little cottage out in the woods. 

"I need you to come with me." Peter crosses his arms defiantly. Five years ago, he'd be all over the place by now, fawning over the powerful wizard, taking orders without question. He's not that naive kid anymore. And he's not going anywhere with a ghost until he at least has some answers. "I can explain on the way, we don't have time to catch up right now. Thanos is back." 

Peter's arms drop to his side, and he can feel the color drain from his face as his eyes grow and mouth opens. "No." is all he says. He can't go up against that monster one more time. They already lost to him once. He's no match for the mad titan. 

Johnny pries his still frozen face away from the mysterious man who interrupted his lunch, and looks over at Peter, who's jaw has clicked shut and his hands are clenched so tight at his side that the knuckles have lost all color. Giving his friend a quick once over, he realizes, however, that Peter has lost all the color to his already pale skin. There's something burning in his brown eyes, a fire Johnny has never seen in the five years they've lived together. 

He's heard about Thanos, of course. Not much, but enough to know that he's the reason Peter is hiding away in their little cottage with him, and not being some famous scientist or an Avenger back in New York.

Dr. Strange sighs, and shakes his head once, before he starts waving his arms. Peter, logically, knows there's no way he can actually escape if the wizard is determined to bring him to the fight, but his eyes flicker around frantically for an escape route anyway.

The only thing that does is distract him from moving from his kitchen to a workshop somewhere. He doesn't recognize the place, and it doesn't really look like there's a fight going on anywhere nearby. He can hear Johnny gasp, and turns to see that he's still sitting in the chair, now in the middle of the foreign room. 

Dr. Strange does something with his hands again and Peter's old Spider-Man suit appears by the wall, presented proudly behind a glass wall. Peter doesn't feel any pride when he looks at it, though, but there's a wave of guilt and nausea and grief washing over him as he steps up to it. 

"I— I can't fight him" he whispers, and gently lets his fingers drag over the glass. He swallows the bile rising in his throat, and dares a look over at Strange's reflection in the glass. There's a flicker of sympathy passing over his face, before he's back to his emotionless self. 

"I'm sorry, but you can't sit this one through. He's going to take out everyone if he gets a hold of the stones. We need to leave." 

* * *

It's chaos. Utter and complete chaos. Heroes and aliens fighting and flying all over the place. Johnny took off like a star and Peter has only seen a stream of fire overhead a few times since. He's a little out of practice, after five years of not using his powers for anything other than messing with Johnny and reaching the top shelf in the kitchen, but he lets his spidey-sense guide him and doesn't bother pulling his punches. He tried that the last time, and they lost. He's not making that mistake again.

A red and gold glimmer catches his eye somewhere to his right and he drops from his web, throws out a new one and yanks the massive beast away from Iron Man just in time to save his life. 

Tony looks at him, blinks a few times, as if the image somehow doesn't fit the reality. Peter lets him have his moment for a second, but they don't really have time for a reunion right now. "Pete…" he breathes, and the only reason Peter can actually hear it is because of his enhanced hearing. 

Tony stumbles a little forward, and reaches out his arms as if to envelope Peter where he's standing on the small hill. He looks devastated and relieved and horrified all at once, but manages to wrap his arms around Peter. Probably because Peter hasn't made an attempt to move, despite the battle going on around them. 

"Where did you go? How did you get here? I looked for you." The words fall from Tony's mouth in a steady stream, accompanied by a sniffle and a quiet sob. Peter sighs and his mask retracts, giving Tony the ability to look at him for the first time in five years. 

Not that he does. He just grips Peter even tighter and kisses his cheek. "We need to talk, when this is over" he says, before his faceplate is back in place and he's flying off. 

Peter doesn't realize until he's watching with horror as Tony snaps his fingers that he never said a word to the man.

* * *

_ No, no no no nononono.  _ Peter sprints across the field, skids on his knees and comes to a stop in front of Tony, leaning against the rubble. Half his body burned beyond recognition, breath coming out in wheezing puffs. Peter wants to shake him, scream at him.  _ What did you do?! _ But he can’t form any words, and his fingers are shaking so badly he’s not sure he could even manage to hold on to him.

With frantic eyes he scans the broken man in front of him, trying to find some indication that he’ll be alright. But every part of his entire being is telling him that  _ no, he won’t be alright. _ He slowly maneuvers his trembling hand to rest on the man’s cheek, guides his face so that his eyes are turned towards himself. 

“Tony?” his voice is barely audible, it cracks mid word, and a sob escapes with the first tear forcing its way from his blurry eyes.

There’s another wheezing sound and a gurgle deep in the man’s chest. Peter lets another sob travel through his throat and out his mouth. “I’m so sorry, Tony. This is all my fault.” 

“Pete” Tony’s hand twitches uselessly at his side, but Peter can see the determination in his brown, wise eyes. Unfocused and glossed over, he still tries to meet Peter’s teary gaze.

“I’m so sorry.” he whispers again, and again, and again. Like a mantra, hoping and praying to everything that’s worth praying to, that Tony understands. That he  _ knows. _

He leans in and kisses his bloody lips, wishes he could go back and change everything. Wishes the last time he kissed him hadn’t ended with him leaving, that he was strong enough to come back sooner. 

“I love you” he murmurs into his mouth as the blue light on his chest flickers and fades out.

* * *

The sun is shining in a mocking gesture from above, the grass is a healthy green color underneath his dress shoes and his heart is clenching so hard in his chest he almost forgets how to breathe. 

If only he was a little faster. A little more focused, he could have stopped it. He could have taken those damned stoned himself. Why didn’t he think of that? He had the gauntlet. He could feel their power seeping through him as he swung through the battlefield. Why did he have to resist?

He could have saved him. 

He blinks away stubborn tears as he watches the bouquet of flowers drift away on the lake, Tony’s heart placed carefully in the middle of it. It’s a sickening feeling, that someone thought they had to prove Tony even had a heart. 

May’s hand rests on his shoulder, trying to keep him grounded. Reassure him that everything is going to be okay. It’s not. But she doesn’t know that. She doesn’t know how deep Peter’s feelings go. She doesn’t know that Peter spent the last five years hiding away from the man to keep him safe. 

Johnny is clutching his hand on his other side, tracing soothing patterns with his thumb. It’s not as comforting as he probably wants it to be. But then. What could possibly calm his raging emotions when he watches the last bit of the man he loved so deeply drift away in the horizon. 

He takes a deep, shuddering breath. It doesn’t help. He can’t stand here. Can’t be around these heroes who fought with everything they had, only to lose the best of them. All because he wasn’t good enough. 

* * *

He’s halfway into Johnny’s expensive sports car when he hears a familiar voice call him from behind. He wants to ignore it, climb in and leave. Leave and never look back. 

But Happy can be fast if he wants to, and he’s got a warm, familiar hand on Peter’s shoulder before he’s able to escape. “Are you leaving already?”

There’s a lot of heroes gathered on the bright field, talking in hushed tones, whispering and sharing memories with each other. Peter doesn’t belong here. What he and Tony had can’t be shared. 

Happy is looking at him with wet, grey eyes and a resigned expression, like he knows.  _ You have no idea _ , Peter thinks, a little annoyed at the pity. He doesn’t need it. Doesn’t want it. 

“I can’t stay here.” He simply says, and shrugs off the fingers curling around his shoulder. Johnny starts the engine, gives Peter a small smile and a nod. 

“Okay. I found this.” He opens his hand, revealing a small memory stick with a piece of masking tape on it, Peter’s name written in Tony’s lazy handwriting. “I don’t know what it is. But I figured you should have it. He left a message for everyone, though. We’re gonna play it in a few minutes, if you wanna stick around.” 

To Happy’s credit, there’s not a lot of hope in his voice, so Peter doesn’t feel too awful about shaking his head. He takes the memory stick, though, with the best impression of a grateful smile he can muster, which — it isn’t much, but it’s all he’s got. 

“Thank you.”

* * *

The memory stick is heavy in his hand, and a part of him wants to throw it away and never think about it again. It’s not like it’s gonna change anything. Tony is still gone. And if it turns out to be some kind of goodbye, well… Peter isn’t gonna be able to handle that. 

“You want me to sit with you?” Johnny hands him a cup of coffee, but doesn’t move any closer to the couch. Peter’s laptop is staring at him from the coffee table, just waiting for him to open up whatever Tony left him. 

“No” he shakes his head, takes a deep breath and plugs it in. Better to get it over with. At least that way he doesn’t have to wonder. Maybe it’s just blueprints for a new suit. 

Johnny nods and offers a weak smile. “Okay, I’ll head out, then. I need to talk to Sue. Call me?”

Peter won’t call. Johnny doesn’t know the extent of Peter’s pain. He never will. What Peter and Tony had died on that battlefield. Johnny has his family back, and Peter isn’t going to keep him from his reunion. 

In another world, he would have gone home to Queens, cuddled up with May and watched some stupid rom-com and drink hot chocolate. But she was dead for 5 years. Because Peter was scared of his own strength. Because Peter couldn’t get that damn glove. And now she’s back, like nothing happened. 

But with half the universe returned, the blue light keeping everything upright and worth it faded out and left a gaping void that none of those souls will ever be able to fill.

A folder opens up on the screen. A folder with 14 video files. Dated from six months after they returned to earth. Six months after Peter ran. Until the day before Dr. Strange showed up in his kitchen. 

He clicks the first one, and immediately slams the screen down when Tony’s face appears before him. 

He can’t do this. He can’t look at this. Tony should be here. He should never have taken those stupid stones. What the hell was he thinking?! He’s just a man.  _ Was. _ He’s nothing now.  _ You’re so fucking stupid _ , he wants to scream.  _ You should have let me do it. I could have handled it. _

He opens up his laptop again, and with shaking hands and ragged breath, he starts the first video.

_ “Hey, Pete” Tony smiles at the camera. It’s a little forced, but everything’s a little strained these days. It took a few weeks after they returned to earth for Tony to even have the time to worry about the young man’s absence.  _

_ In the beginning he was so sure he just went home to his aunt. He was so sure that Peter would come back to him, so they could talk.  _

_ “I’m sorry. About what happened on the ship…” He looks away for a second, biting his lip. What happened on that ship should never be brought up again. It was a moment of weakness. They were dying. And Tony should never have done what he did to Peter.  _

_ “I thought… God, I thought you would come back, y’know. Yell at me or something. You’re still welcome to do so. I deserve whatever you want to throw at me.” _

Peter’s hands are clenched so hard against his thighs that he rips his jeans. Did Tony really think that Peter left because of what happened on that ship? 

“I don’t regret it” he spits to the screen, eyes filled with tears and anger and a fire even Johnny would be proud of. 

_ “Y’know, I never thought there would ever come a day where I couldn’t find someone. You’re smarter than you let on, Pete. I’ve been looking for you for a year. It would certainly help if you hadn’t left your suit back in Queens.” There’s a sound that could have been a chuckle escaping, and Tony shifts in his seat, and looks down in his lap.  _

_ “I’m so sorry about your aunt. If I’d paid more attention, I would have come for you earlier. You just took off. And I never thought it would be forever. I wish you would just… talk to me.” _

_ It has been a long year. It took far too long for Tony to even start looking. Finding the suit and phone on a dusty desk in an empty apartment didn’t do much to calm his growing concern. _

_ “I’ve read your note. Over and over. And I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do.”  _

_ ‘I need to leave. I can’t do this, Tony. Sorry.’ It says. Simple, clear as day and cryptic at the same time.  _

_ “I wish I could go back and undo what I did to you.” _

“You didn’t do anything, Tony.” Peter closes his eyes as the recording ends. Is this just being Tony apologizing for 5 years for something he didn’t even do? Peter should have gone back. Should have explained. He should have talked to Tony. Told him why he left. Why he couldn’t stay. 

He would have left anyway. He made that decision before they did anything. 

_ “I got a new place” Tony says, and rolls his chair away from the camera to show a huge room with wooden walls and a fireplace in the background. “It’s not… It’s not something I ever thought I would ever live in.”  _

_ Tony comes back in view of the camera, something shy lurking under his skin. “I thought of you when I found it. I think you would have liked it.”  _

Tony bought a house thinking of him? Peter’s eyes flicker across the screen, studying the background for what Tony might see that reminds him of him. It looks homey, and if he focuses on the window, he can see the lake. The lake where Pepper dumped Tony’s heart. 

_ “I wish you were here. I miss our lab time together. Dumm-e misses you too, I think. He keeps taking off with your graduation photo.” Tony fiddles with something off screen, a fond smile on his face. “I think… God, this is so wrong. I think I’m in love with you. It’s been three years now. And I still dream about what we did on that spaceship. I wake up sometimes, believing you’re next to me on the bed.”  _

Peter lets a sob escape. Tears press against his eyes. For a blissful moment, he can actually vizualize the scene. Waking up next to Tony, warm and protected, his arm around his waist, keeping him close and safe. Just like he woke up on the small mattress on the ship. 

And then reality crashes down again, and all he can see is the bloody, sweaty face, unseeing, tired eyes and the blinking, blue light fading away to nothing. 

“I love you too, Tony.”

_ “If you ever come back to me, Pete… I promise, I’ll make it up to you. We don’t need to be anything other than friends. I can live with that. But I need you. I need you in my life.” _

No, no he didn’t, Peter thinks bitterly and grits his teeth. Tony nearly died because of him. Because he wasn’t good enough. Seeing him smile and live his life is just proof of that. Peter made the right choice to leave. Tony was safe, he had a beautiful house by the lake, he had Miss Potts and Happy and Colonel Rhodes. He didn’t need Peter. He was better off without him. 

_ “So, this is it. We’re bringing the world back. Am I selfish to hope you might come back after this? I don’t know exactly what’s gonna happen, but I’m prepared for the worst.  _

_ “If things don’t turn out for the best, I hope you know that I love you. With every fiber of my being. I really wish I could say it to you. I’d say it over and over again until you understood.  _

_ “I get that you don’t feel the same way. You’ve made that clear, but I don’t want to die, and not have the chance to tell you. I love you. You’re the best man to ever walk this earth, and I hope, wherever you are, that you live the life you deserve.” _

The laptop goes flying through the wall, and Peter screams. “I hate you!” 

His legs give out underneath him and he sinks down to the hardwood floor, grips his hair to hard it stings.  _ Good. I deserve it. _

He sobs, and sobs and his throat is so sore he wants to rip it out. “You can’t do this to me, Tony” he croaks, and hugs himself as he cries. 

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> When I read the prompt, I thought maybe you meant that Peter turned to dust, and I thought about it, but... 
> 
> So yeah, I hope you're not too disappointed.


End file.
